Early morning thoughts

Do you ever feel like writing??? Yeah it feels like a good morning to write. I haven’t written here a lot lately because I feel like I have so much to say, yet I don’t know where to start.

In February I started this journey. I promised myself that it was time to take care of me. I had realized that being a “mom” doesn't mean that I have or should abandon me.  I was not sure at all what this journey was going to look like… I had my expectations but I didn't want to get my hopes up because I didn't want to fail. I can tell you now that in no way have I failed and I have even exceeded my expectations.  Although losing 30lbs is awesome what amazes me more is how I did it. The determination, the strength, the confidence, the ability… all those things and more are more than I ever thought I had in me. In some strange way I feel completely different but exactly the same.

But there have been challenges and frustrations along the way. I wish I could talk more openly about these challenges (and same day I will) but right now for certain reasons I can not. I have realized a lot about these challenges that I can not talk about though… and that is I don’t trust God enough. Shitty things happen and the first thing I do is try to figure out everything myself. I never thought of myself as a “planner” but when it comes to my family I am always planning. How can I not??? My job is taking care of my family daily… and if there isn’t some sort of plan in action then my family doesn’t always get the best of me or I the best of them. But because of things I can not talk about it has been a struggle. It’s hard to sometimes keep your head up when you feel like everything you had planned and hoped for just isn’t going to happen at times.

I never gave my husband enough credit until these things have happened that I can not talk about (can you tell I can’t wait to talk about it) how much he supports our family financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am not sure that I could go through this without anyone else. I am not always great at expressing my feelings lately but somehow he always knows before I do. Although what has happened can not be changed in any way and maybe the outcome (unknown at this time) is not what I thought it would ever be like, I have to have faith and trust that God sometimes knows a lot more than I do. (Which I know to be completely true it’s just very hard for me right now.)

Here is what I do know at the moment… I am just not sure what God has in store for us. I also know that He has never let us down before so why would he now? Why do I have such a hard time trusting??? I am not sure. But I am pretty sure that once this is all through I will look back and wonder why I was so worried. J