I can't really say why I've been down, not because I don't want to but because sometimes I don't even know why. While I was at church on my weekly helping out Ben asked me to do a development worksheet. And I can't tell you how much I needed that at that moment. I had just had a crappy day (well a lot of crappy days) and I felt like I needed to emotionally dump a lot of stuff out. (and honestly too I had felt there had been a lot of signals with talking about this).
I think as individuals we think a lot and don't always talk about our thoughts because we think they are horrible or people might get the wrong impressions. I have been questioning myself A LOT lately on "why I am a stay at home mom"? Is it worth all this "pain" and stress and feelings of guilt and failure? The only thing (well not the only thing but the thing I wanted most) I ever wanted to be growing up was a stay at home mom. I thought it was the best job ever! And I am not saying its not... But I have never met one person that doesn't have days that suck at their job.And I have a lot of days that suck...lately.
Most days I am worn out physically, and mentally. I love taking the kids to the park or going to the zoo or on walks but lately I find myself being too exhausted even in the morning to do anything. I mean I have days where I surprise myself and we get out the door before noon but most days not...and some days we don't even leave.
Honestly I know I am depressed and I've been here for a while... It's gotten worse since Kynlee was born. I try my hardest to stay strong but I'm just so tired of it. I don't want to be strong. I used to tell Chris and myself that I couldn't wait till I had "me" back but what I have realized lately that the "me" I want back is not me anymore. That "me" was 5 years ago before 3 kids. I am trying to find the new me and I just don't know what that is yet. I know the new me is a wife and a mother but I need to feel that in me (if that makes any sense...). I still feel like I am 20 in a way. Yet I am 26 and have no idea where the last 6 years have gone. I hope that sometime in the near future I can figure this new me out enough to find a new balance in life. But right now I guess I just have to take it one day at a time.
Hey Chica,
ReplyDeleteDoes your church offer any counseling so you can have more opportunities to "unload" on someone and hopefully get prayer and biblical counsel along with it? Also, have you talked to your ob/gyn about your feelings... and it possibly being post-partum depression? Anyway, I say all this because I care. I am praying for you, dear. Motherhood is the most challenging and exhausting job I've ever had, but it sounds like your burden right now is heavier than it should be.
Grace & Peace,
Jill D
Thanks Jill! My church doesn't but they have given me names of some great counseling services. I am looking into them. I have been on medication previously... just not found of medication. Thanks for praying!
DeleteLove you. Here if you want to vent. :)
ReplyDeleteWhat an honest post. Sometimes, being a Mom is overwhelming. You are not alone, and three kids is never easy!! Hang in there, and I'd love to listen if you need an ear.
ReplyDelete