Do you ever feel like writing??? Yeah it feels like a good
morning to write. I haven’t written here a lot lately because I feel like I
have so much to say, yet I don’t know where to start.
In February I started this journey. I promised myself that
it was time to take care of me. I had realized that being a “mom” doesn't mean
that I have or should abandon me. I was
not sure at all what this journey was going to look like… I had my expectations
but I didn't want to get my hopes up because I didn't want to fail. I can tell
you now that in no way have I failed and I have even exceeded my
expectations. Although losing 30lbs is
awesome what amazes me more is how I did it. The determination, the strength,
the confidence, the ability… all those things and more are more than I ever
thought I had in me. In some strange way I feel completely different but
exactly the same.
But there have been challenges and frustrations along the
way. I wish I could talk more openly about these challenges (and same day I
will) but right now for certain reasons I can not. I have realized a lot about
these challenges that I can not talk about though… and that is I don’t trust
God enough. Shitty things happen and the first thing I do is try to figure out
everything myself. I never thought of myself as a “planner” but when it comes
to my family I am always planning. How can I not??? My job is taking care of my
family daily… and if there isn’t some sort of plan in action then my family
doesn’t always get the best of me or I the best of them. But because of things
I can not talk about it has been a struggle. It’s hard to sometimes keep your
head up when you feel like everything you had planned and hoped for just isn’t
going to happen at times.
I never gave my husband enough credit until these things
have happened that I can not talk about (can you tell I can’t wait to talk
about it) how much he supports our family financially, physically, emotionally
and spiritually. I am not sure that I could go through this without anyone
else. I am not always great at expressing my feelings lately but somehow he
always knows before I do. Although what has happened can not be changed in any
way and maybe the outcome (unknown at this time) is not what I thought it would
ever be like, I have to have faith and trust that God sometimes knows a lot
more than I do. (Which I know to be completely true it’s just very hard for me
right now.)
Here is what I do know at the moment… I am just not sure
what God has in store for us. I also know that He has never let us down before
so why would he now? Why do I have such a hard time trusting??? I am not sure.
But I am pretty sure that once this is all through I will look back and wonder
why I was so worried. J
