Mom??

Monday I told my husband something that I really didn't want to tell him. I have been thinking about it for weeks. And it just kept building more and more. I kept asking God why I felt like this, why I have these thoughts, telling Him this isn't normal... I told my husband, I didn't want to be a mom anymore. (insert gasps) :)

It still hurt to say those words or write them out. Those words are exactly how I feel yet I get angry at myself for even allowing those thoughts to have entered my mind. To let those thoughts consume my head. And then other thoughts come about being a horrible parent for thinking that.

The other day I had seriously considered leaving. I didn't know where I was going to go but I knew anywhere but my house would have been better (don't worry my husband was home) but the only thing stopping me from leaving was I didn't want to leave my husband. My husband is my rock! He is it what holds our family together... You know you hear about parents, moms in general, about leaving their kids and never looking back. And I get that know... I really do. I get why parents can leave their kids and just never see them again. And that's sad... (That I get it).

I love my kids more than ANYTHING in this world. Pease don't think by me saying those words that I don't. I would do everything all over again given the opportunity. But I would just get help sooner.

You know those commercials where they list symptoms and you have a majority of them but then think "well I might have that because of this, it's not really what they are talking about"... Yes? No? I have! I hear those commercials on depression all the time. I can honestly say right now that i have been depressed for the last 3 years (at least). It really sucks and messes with my life. It's messed with my time with my kids, my husband, my happiness....

For all you who are going to say I need to go talk to someone, I am. I have an appointment next week.

But that is also why I am on a little "vacation". Well that's what we told the kids because if we had told the kids I was going down to Cincinnati they would've been mad that they don't get to go to see Seth, Pappy, and Gigi. I need this time away from my kids. I need this time to relax and not have to worry about them. I need to think! Which if you are a parent maybe you understand when I say it is sometimes impossible to think beyond thinking about house work and kids.

I honestly don't know how long it's going to take to feel better... I am not even sure I know what "better" looks like. But I know that I am taking some good steps with talking about it. There where a lot of things that in the past had stopped me and I feel like they were just an accuse after accuse. Why? I can't really tell you. But I can tell you that I am for once heading in the right direction.

So if your a praying person and you have extra time please pray for me. I just really want to be the best mom for my kids. And I don't know how that is supposed to look or be like... But I do know I don't want it to be like it is now.

And if you are someone who is struggling with depression PLEASE find someone to talk too to help you. We can't hide how we feel, we can't pretend that we are happy on the outside but hurting on the inside. Let people in, be honest with someone, it doesn't have to be everyone but find someone. And know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I can't begin to tell you how many times I feel alone yet I am never alone.

I am angry at you!

I cant even tell you how many times I get angry because I see friends doing things while I sit at home. And I literally get mad at those people but really for no reason at all. I don't even want to be doing what they are doing or going where they are... I guess I would just rather be anywhere then where I am right now.

My sister posted something on her blog the other day... (you should read her blog because I love her and she is amazing and she is my sister and I will always tell you to read her blog... :)) But if you don't want to read it I will some it up for you. She is 24 and single. She struggles with life and wanting to fall in love and have a family and all that good stuff that I am sure any other single person struggles with. But she posted the other day, she is a nanny for 2 twin girls, and while she loves them and loves teaching them one day she can't wait to have her own family....

Right before she posted that, I was having just a day... you know not a bad day for any reason and not a good day. I feel so ungrateful for what I have. From the time I was little the only thing I ever wanted was to be married and have kids... and now that I have the kids I don't want them anymore. Does that sound really bad because writing that out now sounds worse then in my head?? I really do love my kids... No I mean I really do. But I guess the dream that I had in my head when I was little and growing up is completely different than what it actually is. And I am not talking about a fairy tale dream. My dream might not have been completely realistic but it wasn't fairy tales either... if you know what I mean. 

Jealous? I guess. I am jealous that they just aren't in my home. Jealous that other people get to enjoy things. But most of all I just get angry at myself. Angry that I feel like that, angry that I just can't be happy for other people... And the weird thing is its not everyone... it is just a select few people. I know I have issues... I really do. But I am just tired of feeling like this. Why can't I just be happy for other people? I can because I do it for some people. If only I had answers to everything in life... it would be much simpler... :) 

Do you ever feel like you work so hard at something and never get anywhere? And get up the next day and do it all over again with the same results? and then get frustrated because nothing is working? And then getting angry at yourself because you are doing stuff, you are accomplishing things? And then get mad at myself more because I think, "If I just did more...?" ---- That's crazy right... those thoughts are just ridiculous!!! But yes that is what I think more than I want to admit. What can I say I am a big ball of hormones that can't make up my mind... :)