Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The "me" is not Me anymore.

I've been on one of those emotional roller coasters lately... Though I seem like my emotions stay down for a while and then I have a good day and then down again.But maybe they loop like this one... :)

I can't really say why I've been down, not because I don't want to but because sometimes I don't even know why. While I was at church on my weekly helping out Ben asked me to do a development worksheet. And I can't tell you how much I needed that at that moment. I had just had a crappy day (well a lot of crappy days) and I felt like I needed to emotionally dump a lot of stuff out. (and honestly too I had felt there had been a lot of signals with talking about this).

I think as individuals we think a lot and don't always talk about our thoughts because we think they are horrible or people might get the wrong impressions. I have been questioning myself A LOT lately on "why I am a stay at home mom"? Is it worth all this "pain" and stress and feelings of guilt and failure? The only thing (well not the only thing but the thing I wanted most) I ever wanted to be growing up was a stay at home mom. I thought it was the best job ever! And I am not saying its not... But I have never met one person that doesn't have days that suck at their job.And I have a lot of days that suck...lately.

Most days I am worn out physically, and mentally. I love taking the kids to the park or going to the zoo or on walks but lately I find myself being too exhausted even in the morning to do anything. I mean I have days where I surprise myself and we get out the door before noon but most days not...and some days we don't even leave.

Honestly I know I am depressed and I've been here for a while... It's gotten worse since Kynlee was born. I try my hardest to stay strong but I'm just so tired of it. I don't want to be strong. I used to tell Chris and myself that I couldn't wait till I had "me" back but what I have realized lately that the "me" I want back is not me anymore. That "me" was 5 years ago before 3 kids. I am trying to find the new me and I just don't know what that is yet. I know the new me is a wife and a mother but I need to feel that in me (if that makes any sense...). I still feel like I am 20 in a way. Yet I am 26 and have no idea where the last 6 years have gone. I hope that sometime in the near future I can figure this new me out enough to find a new balance in life. But right now I guess I just have to take it one day at a time.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

The Good, the bad and the ugly...

I named this blog- The Good, the Bad and the Ugly for a reason. I don't need "fake" in my life. I want to be real to myself and to others. And I honestly don't care if people like it or not. I might not have a lot of money or I might not be the most happiest person in the world, or have the most well behaved kids, or the perfect body, or the right answers to anything but I do know that what I have is what I have and I can't change it. I'm either going to enjoy the good, the bad or the ugly or drive myself crazy trying to be that perfect person. 

I don't like fake people. I don't like people who pretend to put up a front for someone to like them. I really don't care if you don't like me. I will not try to be someone else for you to like me. I am who I am. I am overwhelmed on a regular basis, I wear black stretchy pants most days, I have a dirty house 90% of the time, I have more issues than I want to admit, I am totally insecure about myself, I am more concerned about what I think about myself more, I do things for myself and not for others (well unless its my kids or husband), I don't really care to be "green", I probably eat and let my kids eat too much junk food.... Seriously the list could go on and on... but that's who I am. The good, the bad and the ugly. 

I don't want to be someone that other people are jealous of because I "look" like I have it all put together. I am the last person on this planet that will ever have it put together.  Before I had Caidan I remember talking and reading books or blogs about the lives of other SAHM... it sounded SO great. And that was the problem... no one ever talked about the hard stuff... EVER! No one talked about the feelings of guilt you have as a parent... or the times you want to lock yourself in the closet... or how difficult it would be do to just get the little things done at home... (grant it not every one has two kids in 13 months... but I am not the only person out there). 

Yes I want to talk about the good moments, because as a mother I am so proud of those moments. Yes I want to talk about the bad times because those bad times remind me of the good times and remind me to try different things and learn from those bad times. And YES I want to talk about the ugly times because we all have those ugly times they make us human, they make us real. 

I love this quote....

So many times I forget to Thank God for any of it... even the beautiful moments. I am learning to enjoy all the moments in life because while they might not be glamorous all the time sometimes those are the moments that might bring joyous moments!  

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Everyone should get to dream

Yesterday I was doing laundry, which I don't really mind the washing and drying part it the after that I like NOTHING about!

And then I started "dreaming" (because I really know that it will never EVER happen) this would be the one thing that if I could I would pay someone to do...laundry!

But then I thought "I really really hate dishes... I could stand folding and putting away laundry if someone just did my dirty dishes for me" (btw- we don't have a dishwasher- well we do, it's me!)

I thought this would be so fun to discuss. So if you let yourself dream for a moment... Let's dream that money doesn't matter... (because we all know that's so fun!!!) If you had to choose one thing that you do to pay someone else to do what would it be!?