Early morning thoughts

Do you ever feel like writing??? Yeah it feels like a good morning to write. I haven’t written here a lot lately because I feel like I have so much to say, yet I don’t know where to start.

In February I started this journey. I promised myself that it was time to take care of me. I had realized that being a “mom” doesn't mean that I have or should abandon me.  I was not sure at all what this journey was going to look like… I had my expectations but I didn't want to get my hopes up because I didn't want to fail. I can tell you now that in no way have I failed and I have even exceeded my expectations.  Although losing 30lbs is awesome what amazes me more is how I did it. The determination, the strength, the confidence, the ability… all those things and more are more than I ever thought I had in me. In some strange way I feel completely different but exactly the same.

But there have been challenges and frustrations along the way. I wish I could talk more openly about these challenges (and same day I will) but right now for certain reasons I can not. I have realized a lot about these challenges that I can not talk about though… and that is I don’t trust God enough. Shitty things happen and the first thing I do is try to figure out everything myself. I never thought of myself as a “planner” but when it comes to my family I am always planning. How can I not??? My job is taking care of my family daily… and if there isn’t some sort of plan in action then my family doesn’t always get the best of me or I the best of them. But because of things I can not talk about it has been a struggle. It’s hard to sometimes keep your head up when you feel like everything you had planned and hoped for just isn’t going to happen at times.

I never gave my husband enough credit until these things have happened that I can not talk about (can you tell I can’t wait to talk about it) how much he supports our family financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am not sure that I could go through this without anyone else. I am not always great at expressing my feelings lately but somehow he always knows before I do. Although what has happened can not be changed in any way and maybe the outcome (unknown at this time) is not what I thought it would ever be like, I have to have faith and trust that God sometimes knows a lot more than I do. (Which I know to be completely true it’s just very hard for me right now.)

Here is what I do know at the moment… I am just not sure what God has in store for us. I also know that He has never let us down before so why would he now? Why do I have such a hard time trusting??? I am not sure. But I am pretty sure that once this is all through I will look back and wonder why I was so worried. J

Dirty toilet bowl? (Soft Scrub 4-in-1 Review)

We have one bathroom for 5 people (well 4 really since the one is not potty trained yet... but will be soon!) Our toilet bowl is ALWAYS dirty... and it always smells. Right before I was sent this product to try I was thinking of getting something because I was really tired of cleaning the toilet all the time. I really do love being part of such an amazing community.

Soft Scrub 4-in-1 toilet care!! The answer to the problem. I loved it! And I love it! We recently used this one all up and went out and I bought another one... although I didn't realize that the one I bought was with bleach which is not my favorite.

1.Cleans

2. Prevents future build up

3. fights toilet rings

4. Freshens up to 4 weeks

I will say that I agree with all that... though I am pretty sure we used ours in about 2-3 weeks. :) Seriously if you are tired of cleaning toilets all the time try it. It will AMAZE you! :)

Disclosure- Soft Scrub provided me with this product in exchange for my review. However the review is the opinion of me. 

It will not define me

This past weekend was very good for me. For the first time in a long time I let my self think... Sometimes it is very hard to just let your self think when kids are at your feet begging for something or whining because someone did something to someone... blah blah blah. Here are a few things I got to think about and ponder more.

1) I need to spend daily time morning, afternoon, or evening journaling/praying/reading the bible. I am not exactly sure what this is really going to look like but I do know it is something I need to stop making excuses about and just do it. I need more truth in my life. I need more time to "be still". I heard a study that was done for scientific reason (not spiritual or religion based) that people who spend 5 or more days a week meditating, praying, journaling... are more to over come depression. But people who do it less than 5 times a week have no effects to depression. There have been so many things in the past 4 days like this that I really believe God has been place in my path for me to hear! :)

2) I will not let my depression define me. I don't want it to define me. I don't want it to be excuses for my life. I will fight through it because it is not me. There are lies and words that I speak to myself that aren't healthy. They aren't of God. Do i really believe that God would let me think "I don't want to be a mom anymore?" Do I really believe that God put that desire to be a mother in my so long ago would put that lie in my mind??? No I do not. I could go way more into this... so if you want contact me and I can tell you more about this. :)

3) I have to realize that what I believe causes my depression isn't going to change. There is no "magical" drug or fix for it. I can run from it... taking meds isn't going to fix it. But also I need to put #1 and #2 into action because ultimately those two things are what are going to put me on the right path to fight this.

I will not be defined by my circumstances in life... but I will be defined by what God calls me! :)

Not for a Moment

I love music. Sometimes I listen to the same song over and over and over and over and over.... You get it. And sometimes there are phrases or the whole song that speaks to me. And other times songs paint a very big picture for me and I have an "ah-ha" moment. And did I have one today.

I make excuses- sometimes truthful ones other times just plain lazy ones. Lately as I have been struggling a lot with my depression the one constant thing that I hear, or people suggest is, "having quiet time everyday." Now I am very aware that this means something completely different for everyone, but for me quiet time means having time praying, reading something that inspires me and gets my thoughts about life and God on the same path (for that time), and journaling.

Ever since having kids this has been the bottom on the to do list, which if you get what I am saying is it doesn't happen. I can literally count on two hands how many times I have done this in 6 years. I have made one excuse after another... And it needs to end. This time isn't just about me... It's about bettering me so that I am a better listener, comforter, helper, pray warrior, a better understanding when life reeks havoc, to have more patience.

So the other day I was sitting doing my bible study homework, and I always play pandora while I am having quiet time... I can pay attention better that way... But I have a station that I pretty much knew what was all on it. Sometimes it surprises me and it did. "Not for a moment" by Vertical Church Band came on. It sounded familiar to me, which I wasn't wrong, I had heard it at a conference this past September. On my way to therapy yesterday the song came on WBGL (christian radio station). My thought... "I need to listen to this because there is something I need to hear."

I downloaded the song when I got a chance that night. I listened to it last night about 5 times. On my way to my parents (6 hour drive) I listened to it over and over... Literally 1 hour before getting to my parents I got it.

Our God is always the same and has been since the beginning. He has always been right next to me... I have not always been right next to Him like I can say about Him. He is the one who speaks to me over and over again... I am the one who doesn't listen. When I am having a bad day who is there? God. When my world is not understandable who is still there? God. Who sees more than I do? God.

My favorite part of the song...
I was held in your arms carried for a 1000 miles to show
Not for a moment did you forsake me

Really if that doesn't mean anything to you then maybe you should re read it. Can you say that you would carry someone for a 1000 miles? Would you honestly? Honestly I don't know that I would or could. But God did and the best part, He still would. Over and over and over and over and over.... Because he will never forsake us not for a moment. Just the fact that he will never leave us... That should mean something to us all. Say it... "He will never leave me! He will never forsake me not for a moment!" Say it over and over to believe it. I took me hours to hear it to believe it.

Thank you Lord for being better than me. For being me with me in good times and bad. For holding me in your arms and carrying me 1000 miles. Thank you for still carrying me and for the times ahead that you will be carrying me. And for never stop loving me. For caring even when I didn't care.

Purex with Crystals Review

If you anything like my family you go through a million loads of laundry a week... or a day... :) Okay maybe not really that many, but it might feel like that to the person washing and folding them.

I am sure everyone has a favorite laundry detergent that they use on a regular basis because well thats what you have always used or that's what your mom used. I really like Purex. And what I like even more is Purex with Crystals. Its not just laundry detergent but it is also fabric softener too.  So instead of putting two things in the washer when washing clothes you just have to put one. And the smell is AMAZING! And its last. I did a load with this laundry detergent about two weeks ago and this morning I went to put on a shirt that has been my closet and it still smelled GREAT! For me sometimes the laundry detergent is more about making my clothes smell CLEAN more then cleaning them. But I will say that this detergent CLEANS great also!

Here is my lovely bottle when I got it in the mail! 

Now here is where you get to enjoy this too! There are a few things you can do... 

1) Follow this Link if you want to win $1000 and a year supply of Purex! (very simple form to fill out... and you never know, you could always win!) Plus 500 second place winners will recieve a coupon for a Free bottle of Purex detergent.  

2) I have 3 coupons to give away for a Free bottle of Purex with Crystal laundry detergent. If you would like to be one of those 3 you need to Share this post on Facebook or Twitter. Then leave me a comment telling me you did. 

Do those things and you could have a chance to win a FREE bottle! 

The Purex brand provided me with a sample of Purex detergent plus Fabric Softner with Crystal Fragance in exchange for a product review. However all the opinions expressed are my own.