Wednesday, March 27, 2013

It will not define me

This past weekend was very good for me. For the first time in a long time I let my self think... Sometimes it is very hard to just let your self think when kids are at your feet begging for something or whining because someone did something to someone... blah blah blah. Here are a few things I got to think about and ponder more.

1) I need to spend daily time morning, afternoon, or evening journaling/praying/reading the bible. I am not exactly sure what this is really going to look like but I do know it is something I need to stop making excuses about and just do it. I need more truth in my life. I need more time to "be still". I heard a study that was done for scientific reason (not spiritual or religion based) that people who spend 5 or more days a week meditating, praying, journaling... are more to over come depression. But people who do it less than 5 times a week have no effects to depression. There have been so many things in the past 4 days like this that I really believe God has been place in my path for me to hear! :)

2) I will not let my depression define me. I don't want it to define me. I don't want it to be excuses for my life. I will fight through it because it is not me. There are lies and words that I speak to myself that aren't healthy. They aren't of God. Do i really believe that God would let me think "I don't want to be a mom anymore?" Do I really believe that God put that desire to be a mother in my so long ago would put that lie in my mind??? No I do not. I could go way more into this... so if you want contact me and I can tell you more about this. :)

3) I have to realize that what I believe causes my depression isn't going to change. There is no "magical" drug or fix for it. I can run from it... taking meds isn't going to fix it. But also I need to put #1 and #2 into action because ultimately those two things are what are going to put me on the right path to fight this.

I will not be defined by my circumstances in life... but I will be defined by what God calls me! :)

Friday, March 22, 2013

Not for a Moment

I love music. Sometimes I listen to the same song over and over and over and over and over.... You get it. And sometimes there are phrases or the whole song that speaks to me. And other times songs paint a very big picture for me and I have an "ah-ha" moment. And did I have one today.

I make excuses- sometimes truthful ones other times just plain lazy ones. Lately as I have been struggling a lot with my depression the one constant thing that I hear, or people suggest is, "having quiet time everyday." Now I am very aware that this means something completely different for everyone, but for me quiet time means having time praying, reading something that inspires me and gets my thoughts about life and God on the same path (for that time), and journaling.

Ever since having kids this has been the bottom on the to do list, which if you get what I am saying is it doesn't happen. I can literally count on two hands how many times I have done this in 6 years. I have made one excuse after another... And it needs to end. This time isn't just about me... It's about bettering me so that I am a better listener, comforter, helper, pray warrior, a better understanding when life reeks havoc, to have more patience.

So the other day I was sitting doing my bible study homework, and I always play pandora while I am having quiet time... I can pay attention better that way... But I have a station that I pretty much knew what was all on it. Sometimes it surprises me and it did. "Not for a moment" by Vertical Church Band came on. It sounded familiar to me, which I wasn't wrong, I had heard it at a conference this past September. On my way to therapy yesterday the song came on WBGL (christian radio station). My thought... "I need to listen to this because there is something I need to hear."

I downloaded the song when I got a chance that night. I listened to it last night about 5 times. On my way to my parents (6 hour drive) I listened to it over and over... Literally 1 hour before getting to my parents I got it.

Our God is always the same and has been since the beginning. He has always been right next to me... I have not always been right next to Him like I can say about Him. He is the one who speaks to me over and over again... I am the one who doesn't listen. When I am having a bad day who is there? God. When my world is not understandable who is still there? God. Who sees more than I do? God.

My favorite part of the song...
I was held in your arms carried for a 1000 miles to show
Not for a moment did you forsake me

Really if that doesn't mean anything to you then maybe you should re read it. Can you say that you would carry someone for a 1000 miles? Would you honestly? Honestly I don't know that I would or could. But God did and the best part, He still would. Over and over and over and over and over.... Because he will never forsake us not for a moment. Just the fact that he will never leave us... That should mean something to us all. Say it... "He will never leave me! He will never forsake me not for a moment!" Say it over and over to believe it. I took me hours to hear it to believe it.

Thank you Lord for being better than me. For being me with me in good times and bad. For holding me in your arms and carrying me 1000 miles. Thank you for still carrying me and for the times ahead that you will be carrying me. And for never stop loving me. For caring even when I didn't care.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Purex with Crystals Review

If you anything like my family you go through a million loads of laundry a week... or a day... :) Okay maybe not really that many, but it might feel like that to the person washing and folding them.

I am sure everyone has a favorite laundry detergent that they use on a regular basis because well thats what you have always used or that's what your mom used. I really like Purex. And what I like even more is Purex with Crystals. Its not just laundry detergent but it is also fabric softener too.  So instead of putting two things in the washer when washing clothes you just have to put one. And the smell is AMAZING! And its last. I did a load with this laundry detergent about two weeks ago and this morning I went to put on a shirt that has been my closet and it still smelled GREAT! For me sometimes the laundry detergent is more about making my clothes smell CLEAN more then cleaning them. But I will say that this detergent CLEANS great also!

Here is my lovely bottle when I got it in the mail! 

Now here is where you get to enjoy this too! There are a few things you can do... 
1) Follow this Link if you want to win $1000 and a year supply of Purex! (very simple form to fill out... and you never know, you could always win!) Plus 500 second place winners will recieve a coupon for a Free bottle of Purex detergent.  
2) I have 3 coupons to give away for a Free bottle of Purex with Crystal laundry detergent. If you would like to be one of those 3 you need to Share this post on Facebook or Twitter. Then leave me a comment telling me you did. 

Do those things and you could have a chance to win a FREE bottle! 

The Purex brand provided me with a sample of Purex detergent plus Fabric Softner with Crystal Fragance in exchange for a product review. However all the opinions expressed are my own.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Everyone should go to therapy

You know I really thought going to therapy would help with the problem I was having... I did not expect it to create more issues. Well it isn't creating more, just realizing that the one problem is contributed from a lot more problems.

Here is my BIG problem... I am trying to be that perfect Mom and Wife that just doesn't exist. Even though I am far far far from what I think that perfect person would look like... I am still trying everyday to be that "perfect" person. Which is causing a lot of problems. I have had a bad few weeks... and really for no reason. At therapy she was asking me what were the triggers, what were my feelings, what did i do? And I didn't really have any triggers and the only feelings I had were anger. When I feel really depressed I just get angry... and I am just angry at every thing that happens... angry that my kids won't be quiet, or that they won't listen, I get angry at my husband that he is sleeping (he is sleeping because he didn't sleep the night at work), angry that I have to clean the house, angry that its time to pick up the kids, angry that everything in my house is not the way I want it... the list could go on and on. What did I do to help... nothing because honestly I have no idea how to control this. But then on top of all that brings on the feelings of failure, guilt, insecurity... blah blah blah.

ALL that just because I am trying to be "perfect"!

(this is so true... 
depression and every thing that comes with it are all lies we tell our selves...
this made me laugh and cry at the same time!)

It sounds so stupid when i talk about it. It sounds so easy to just change things, but it is NOT! I am so glad that I go to therapy. I am so glad that my eyes are being open to these things. I am so glad that God gives me grace. I am so glad that my husband and kids show me grace.

But now I need to learn to handle my feelings. To know when to stop myself from thinking negatively. I am not going to say I need to see the brighter side because right now I just need to see the light. It really is difficult... its hard. and I am trying so hard... but some days its even hard.

I just have to keep telling myself... that one day this will be easier.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Never knew it would be this hard....

I am not a patient person... ask anyone that knows me and they would probably agree. It is not a good thing to be inpatient. It affects a lot in my life.... but we are so not taking about patience here... What I am talking about it weight loss!! Let me say it is HORRIBLE! I want results NOW not in 1 week or 2 or 3 or 4... like tomorrow... I mean I worked my butt of to see WHAT?? 

Growing up I wasn't very big at all... I was bigger than all my friends. Bigger boobs, bigger thighs, bigger waist, bigger butt... but I wasn't BIG! When I was pregnant with Caidan I gained 70lbs! OMG... seriously it was the worst thing ever... I mean you should feel great after having a baby not self conscious about what you weigh. I mean I did lose about 50lbs... but those other 20lbs never moved. Then I turned around six months later and got myself pregnant with Kloe... I gained about 50lbs with her pregnancy. Did I lose it after I had her... yeah all but 10lbs. Then I never really did anything to try to lose the weight from Kloe and Caidan... I mean I tried a couple times and then just failed because I wasn't seeing an results and just FRUSTRATED. Then I get pregnant with Kynlee... i weighed about 155 lbs when I got pregnant with her. I lost 10 during the pregnancy and then gained 15 lbs. After I had Kynlee I seriously felt the best. I was 150 lbs. I was SOOOO excited about being smaller after I had her than before I was pregnant. Not only was I excited but I felt GREAT... about myself. I felt pretty. I felt beautiful. I felt worth something. 

Then my depression hit hard... and I didn't care any more... I hate whatever and whenever. I refused to step on a scale for a awhile because I knew those numbers were not going to be what I wanted to see. When I finally got on the scale (because I had to go to the doctors) I weighed about 174! WTH!!! I really wonder (and still do) how I gained almost 25lbs. I mean I know how but I still can't remember those months or how I felt, or what I ate. 

Last April I started to try to lose weight... I lost about 5lbs. I was working out and feeling great. Then we went on vacation and I gave up... and summer came and I just didn't care anymore. I wouldn't eat enough and when I did eat it was junk. or coffee... I like my Diet Coke way too much... I never drank water... Last year it wasn't about being healthy it was about losing weight... I wanted to see that lower number. I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. 

Now its about eating healthier, drinking more water, and just feeling better about me.I could easily tell you the number on the scale doesn't bother me... but I would be lying! I want the number on the scale to go down. I want my jeans to not fit so I have to go buy smaller pairs. I want to feel pretty again. I want to feel worth it again. But it is sooooo hard. In the past 3 weeks I have changed my eating, my drinking and exercising more. And I am seeing little results and its frustrating. I feel like I have done soo much so don't I deserve some BIG results?? I know it really doesn't happen like that. I know slow is better. But I want it know! 

The pic on the left was last summer and the right is March 3rd. 

My sister is truly my inspiration. It has taken her 3 years. seriously you should read her story because she is an inspiration for Me and she would be for you too. But I have watched her journey for these 3 years... you would think that I would know that results just don't happen over night. So she suggested that I take pictures of my progress so I could see the difference. When she told me this a week ago I had totally forgotten that I had taken a picture last year of myself. Then the other day took a picture of myself again... and I was SHOCKED. I really didn't think that my body had changed AT ALL! I know now that i need to take these pictures to keep me motivated and on the right track... because most days I want to give up because I don't think what I am doing is doing anything. 

Its hard... Most days I don't want to eat healthy or drink the million gallons of water that I should. But I am doing it all because I want this. No body else could give a care but I do. So I am going to keep on trudging a long till i get to my goal. 

My goal for this month: I want to hit 160. 
Starting weight this month:167