Saturday, July 20, 2013

Early morning thoughts

Do you ever feel like writing??? Yeah it feels like a good morning to write. I haven’t written here a lot lately because I feel like I have so much to say, yet I don’t know where to start.

In February I started this journey. I promised myself that it was time to take care of me. I had realized that being a “mom” doesn't mean that I have or should abandon me.  I was not sure at all what this journey was going to look like… I had my expectations but I didn't want to get my hopes up because I didn't want to fail. I can tell you now that in no way have I failed and I have even exceeded my expectations.  Although losing 30lbs is awesome what amazes me more is how I did it. The determination, the strength, the confidence, the ability… all those things and more are more than I ever thought I had in me. In some strange way I feel completely different but exactly the same.
But there have been challenges and frustrations along the way. I wish I could talk more openly about these challenges (and same day I will) but right now for certain reasons I can not. I have realized a lot about these challenges that I can not talk about though… and that is I don’t trust God enough. Shitty things happen and the first thing I do is try to figure out everything myself. I never thought of myself as a “planner” but when it comes to my family I am always planning. How can I not??? My job is taking care of my family daily… and if there isn’t some sort of plan in action then my family doesn’t always get the best of me or I the best of them. But because of things I can not talk about it has been a struggle. It’s hard to sometimes keep your head up when you feel like everything you had planned and hoped for just isn’t going to happen at times.

I never gave my husband enough credit until these things have happened that I can not talk about (can you tell I can’t wait to talk about it) how much he supports our family financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am not sure that I could go through this without anyone else. I am not always great at expressing my feelings lately but somehow he always knows before I do. Although what has happened can not be changed in any way and maybe the outcome (unknown at this time) is not what I thought it would ever be like, I have to have faith and trust that God sometimes knows a lot more than I do. (Which I know to be completely true it’s just very hard for me right now.)

Here is what I do know at the moment… I am just not sure what God has in store for us. I also know that He has never let us down before so why would he now? Why do I have such a hard time trusting??? I am not sure. But I am pretty sure that once this is all through I will look back and wonder why I was so worried. J

Monday, April 29, 2013

Dirty toilet bowl? (Soft Scrub 4-in-1 Review)

We have one bathroom for 5 people (well 4 really since the one is not potty trained yet... but will be soon!) Our toilet bowl is ALWAYS dirty... and it always smells. Right before I was sent this product to try I was thinking of getting something because I was really tired of cleaning the toilet all the time. I really do love being part of such an amazing community.

Soft Scrub 4-in-1 toilet care!! The answer to the problem. I loved it! And I love it! We recently used this one all up and went out and I bought another one... although I didn't realize that the one I bought was with bleach which is not my favorite.

2. Prevents future build up
3. fights toilet rings
4. Freshens up to 4 weeks

I will say that I agree with all that... though I am pretty sure we used ours in about 2-3 weeks. :) Seriously if you are tired of cleaning toilets all the time try it. It will AMAZE you! :)

Disclosure- Soft Scrub provided me with this product in exchange for my review. However the review is the opinion of me. 

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

It will not define me

This past weekend was very good for me. For the first time in a long time I let my self think... Sometimes it is very hard to just let your self think when kids are at your feet begging for something or whining because someone did something to someone... blah blah blah. Here are a few things I got to think about and ponder more.

1) I need to spend daily time morning, afternoon, or evening journaling/praying/reading the bible. I am not exactly sure what this is really going to look like but I do know it is something I need to stop making excuses about and just do it. I need more truth in my life. I need more time to "be still". I heard a study that was done for scientific reason (not spiritual or religion based) that people who spend 5 or more days a week meditating, praying, journaling... are more to over come depression. But people who do it less than 5 times a week have no effects to depression. There have been so many things in the past 4 days like this that I really believe God has been place in my path for me to hear! :)

2) I will not let my depression define me. I don't want it to define me. I don't want it to be excuses for my life. I will fight through it because it is not me. There are lies and words that I speak to myself that aren't healthy. They aren't of God. Do i really believe that God would let me think "I don't want to be a mom anymore?" Do I really believe that God put that desire to be a mother in my so long ago would put that lie in my mind??? No I do not. I could go way more into this... so if you want contact me and I can tell you more about this. :)

3) I have to realize that what I believe causes my depression isn't going to change. There is no "magical" drug or fix for it. I can run from it... taking meds isn't going to fix it. But also I need to put #1 and #2 into action because ultimately those two things are what are going to put me on the right path to fight this.

I will not be defined by my circumstances in life... but I will be defined by what God calls me! :)

Friday, March 22, 2013

Not for a Moment

I love music. Sometimes I listen to the same song over and over and over and over and over.... You get it. And sometimes there are phrases or the whole song that speaks to me. And other times songs paint a very big picture for me and I have an "ah-ha" moment. And did I have one today.

I make excuses- sometimes truthful ones other times just plain lazy ones. Lately as I have been struggling a lot with my depression the one constant thing that I hear, or people suggest is, "having quiet time everyday." Now I am very aware that this means something completely different for everyone, but for me quiet time means having time praying, reading something that inspires me and gets my thoughts about life and God on the same path (for that time), and journaling.

Ever since having kids this has been the bottom on the to do list, which if you get what I am saying is it doesn't happen. I can literally count on two hands how many times I have done this in 6 years. I have made one excuse after another... And it needs to end. This time isn't just about me... It's about bettering me so that I am a better listener, comforter, helper, pray warrior, a better understanding when life reeks havoc, to have more patience.

So the other day I was sitting doing my bible study homework, and I always play pandora while I am having quiet time... I can pay attention better that way... But I have a station that I pretty much knew what was all on it. Sometimes it surprises me and it did. "Not for a moment" by Vertical Church Band came on. It sounded familiar to me, which I wasn't wrong, I had heard it at a conference this past September. On my way to therapy yesterday the song came on WBGL (christian radio station). My thought... "I need to listen to this because there is something I need to hear."

I downloaded the song when I got a chance that night. I listened to it last night about 5 times. On my way to my parents (6 hour drive) I listened to it over and over... Literally 1 hour before getting to my parents I got it.

Our God is always the same and has been since the beginning. He has always been right next to me... I have not always been right next to Him like I can say about Him. He is the one who speaks to me over and over again... I am the one who doesn't listen. When I am having a bad day who is there? God. When my world is not understandable who is still there? God. Who sees more than I do? God.

My favorite part of the song...
I was held in your arms carried for a 1000 miles to show
Not for a moment did you forsake me

Really if that doesn't mean anything to you then maybe you should re read it. Can you say that you would carry someone for a 1000 miles? Would you honestly? Honestly I don't know that I would or could. But God did and the best part, He still would. Over and over and over and over and over.... Because he will never forsake us not for a moment. Just the fact that he will never leave us... That should mean something to us all. Say it... "He will never leave me! He will never forsake me not for a moment!" Say it over and over to believe it. I took me hours to hear it to believe it.

Thank you Lord for being better than me. For being me with me in good times and bad. For holding me in your arms and carrying me 1000 miles. Thank you for still carrying me and for the times ahead that you will be carrying me. And for never stop loving me. For caring even when I didn't care.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Purex with Crystals Review

If you anything like my family you go through a million loads of laundry a week... or a day... :) Okay maybe not really that many, but it might feel like that to the person washing and folding them.

I am sure everyone has a favorite laundry detergent that they use on a regular basis because well thats what you have always used or that's what your mom used. I really like Purex. And what I like even more is Purex with Crystals. Its not just laundry detergent but it is also fabric softener too.  So instead of putting two things in the washer when washing clothes you just have to put one. And the smell is AMAZING! And its last. I did a load with this laundry detergent about two weeks ago and this morning I went to put on a shirt that has been my closet and it still smelled GREAT! For me sometimes the laundry detergent is more about making my clothes smell CLEAN more then cleaning them. But I will say that this detergent CLEANS great also!

Here is my lovely bottle when I got it in the mail! 

Now here is where you get to enjoy this too! There are a few things you can do... 
1) Follow this Link if you want to win $1000 and a year supply of Purex! (very simple form to fill out... and you never know, you could always win!) Plus 500 second place winners will recieve a coupon for a Free bottle of Purex detergent.  
2) I have 3 coupons to give away for a Free bottle of Purex with Crystal laundry detergent. If you would like to be one of those 3 you need to Share this post on Facebook or Twitter. Then leave me a comment telling me you did. 

Do those things and you could have a chance to win a FREE bottle! 

The Purex brand provided me with a sample of Purex detergent plus Fabric Softner with Crystal Fragance in exchange for a product review. However all the opinions expressed are my own.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Everyone should go to therapy

You know I really thought going to therapy would help with the problem I was having... I did not expect it to create more issues. Well it isn't creating more, just realizing that the one problem is contributed from a lot more problems.

Here is my BIG problem... I am trying to be that perfect Mom and Wife that just doesn't exist. Even though I am far far far from what I think that perfect person would look like... I am still trying everyday to be that "perfect" person. Which is causing a lot of problems. I have had a bad few weeks... and really for no reason. At therapy she was asking me what were the triggers, what were my feelings, what did i do? And I didn't really have any triggers and the only feelings I had were anger. When I feel really depressed I just get angry... and I am just angry at every thing that happens... angry that my kids won't be quiet, or that they won't listen, I get angry at my husband that he is sleeping (he is sleeping because he didn't sleep the night at work), angry that I have to clean the house, angry that its time to pick up the kids, angry that everything in my house is not the way I want it... the list could go on and on. What did I do to help... nothing because honestly I have no idea how to control this. But then on top of all that brings on the feelings of failure, guilt, insecurity... blah blah blah.

ALL that just because I am trying to be "perfect"!

(this is so true... 
depression and every thing that comes with it are all lies we tell our selves...
this made me laugh and cry at the same time!)

It sounds so stupid when i talk about it. It sounds so easy to just change things, but it is NOT! I am so glad that I go to therapy. I am so glad that my eyes are being open to these things. I am so glad that God gives me grace. I am so glad that my husband and kids show me grace.

But now I need to learn to handle my feelings. To know when to stop myself from thinking negatively. I am not going to say I need to see the brighter side because right now I just need to see the light. It really is difficult... its hard. and I am trying so hard... but some days its even hard.

I just have to keep telling myself... that one day this will be easier.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Never knew it would be this hard....

I am not a patient person... ask anyone that knows me and they would probably agree. It is not a good thing to be inpatient. It affects a lot in my life.... but we are so not taking about patience here... What I am talking about it weight loss!! Let me say it is HORRIBLE! I want results NOW not in 1 week or 2 or 3 or 4... like tomorrow... I mean I worked my butt of to see WHAT?? 

Growing up I wasn't very big at all... I was bigger than all my friends. Bigger boobs, bigger thighs, bigger waist, bigger butt... but I wasn't BIG! When I was pregnant with Caidan I gained 70lbs! OMG... seriously it was the worst thing ever... I mean you should feel great after having a baby not self conscious about what you weigh. I mean I did lose about 50lbs... but those other 20lbs never moved. Then I turned around six months later and got myself pregnant with Kloe... I gained about 50lbs with her pregnancy. Did I lose it after I had her... yeah all but 10lbs. Then I never really did anything to try to lose the weight from Kloe and Caidan... I mean I tried a couple times and then just failed because I wasn't seeing an results and just FRUSTRATED. Then I get pregnant with Kynlee... i weighed about 155 lbs when I got pregnant with her. I lost 10 during the pregnancy and then gained 15 lbs. After I had Kynlee I seriously felt the best. I was 150 lbs. I was SOOOO excited about being smaller after I had her than before I was pregnant. Not only was I excited but I felt GREAT... about myself. I felt pretty. I felt beautiful. I felt worth something. 

Then my depression hit hard... and I didn't care any more... I hate whatever and whenever. I refused to step on a scale for a awhile because I knew those numbers were not going to be what I wanted to see. When I finally got on the scale (because I had to go to the doctors) I weighed about 174! WTH!!! I really wonder (and still do) how I gained almost 25lbs. I mean I know how but I still can't remember those months or how I felt, or what I ate. 

Last April I started to try to lose weight... I lost about 5lbs. I was working out and feeling great. Then we went on vacation and I gave up... and summer came and I just didn't care anymore. I wouldn't eat enough and when I did eat it was junk. or coffee... I like my Diet Coke way too much... I never drank water... Last year it wasn't about being healthy it was about losing weight... I wanted to see that lower number. I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. 

Now its about eating healthier, drinking more water, and just feeling better about me.I could easily tell you the number on the scale doesn't bother me... but I would be lying! I want the number on the scale to go down. I want my jeans to not fit so I have to go buy smaller pairs. I want to feel pretty again. I want to feel worth it again. But it is sooooo hard. In the past 3 weeks I have changed my eating, my drinking and exercising more. And I am seeing little results and its frustrating. I feel like I have done soo much so don't I deserve some BIG results?? I know it really doesn't happen like that. I know slow is better. But I want it know! 

The pic on the left was last summer and the right is March 3rd. 

My sister is truly my inspiration. It has taken her 3 years. seriously you should read her story because she is an inspiration for Me and she would be for you too. But I have watched her journey for these 3 years... you would think that I would know that results just don't happen over night. So she suggested that I take pictures of my progress so I could see the difference. When she told me this a week ago I had totally forgotten that I had taken a picture last year of myself. Then the other day took a picture of myself again... and I was SHOCKED. I really didn't think that my body had changed AT ALL! I know now that i need to take these pictures to keep me motivated and on the right track... because most days I want to give up because I don't think what I am doing is doing anything. 

Its hard... Most days I don't want to eat healthy or drink the million gallons of water that I should. But I am doing it all because I want this. No body else could give a care but I do. So I am going to keep on trudging a long till i get to my goal. 

My goal for this month: I want to hit 160. 
Starting weight this month:167 

Thursday, February 7, 2013


Monday I told my husband something that I really didn't want to tell him. I have been thinking about it for weeks. And it just kept building more and more. I kept asking God why I felt like this, why I have these thoughts, telling Him this isn't normal... I told my husband, I didn't want to be a mom anymore. (insert gasps) :)

It still hurt to say those words or write them out. Those words are exactly how I feel yet I get angry at myself for even allowing those thoughts to have entered my mind. To let those thoughts consume my head. And then other thoughts come about being a horrible parent for thinking that.

The other day I had seriously considered leaving. I didn't know where I was going to go but I knew anywhere but my house would have been better (don't worry my husband was home) but the only thing stopping me from leaving was I didn't want to leave my husband. My husband is my rock! He is it what holds our family together... You know you hear about parents, moms in general, about leaving their kids and never looking back. And I get that know... I really do. I get why parents can leave their kids and just never see them again. And that's sad... (That I get it).

I love my kids more than ANYTHING in this world. Pease don't think by me saying those words that I don't. I would do everything all over again given the opportunity. But I would just get help sooner.

You know those commercials where they list symptoms and you have a majority of them but then think "well I might have that because of this, it's not really what they are talking about"... Yes? No? I have! I hear those commercials on depression all the time. I can honestly say right now that i have been depressed for the last 3 years (at least). It really sucks and messes with my life. It's messed with my time with my kids, my husband, my happiness....

For all you who are going to say I need to go talk to someone, I am. I have an appointment next week.

But that is also why I am on a little "vacation". Well that's what we told the kids because if we had told the kids I was going down to Cincinnati they would've been mad that they don't get to go to see Seth, Pappy, and Gigi. I need this time away from my kids. I need this time to relax and not have to worry about them. I need to think! Which if you are a parent maybe you understand when I say it is sometimes impossible to think beyond thinking about house work and kids.

I honestly don't know how long it's going to take to feel better... I am not even sure I know what "better" looks like. But I know that I am taking some good steps with talking about it. There where a lot of things that in the past had stopped me and I feel like they were just an accuse after accuse. Why? I can't really tell you. But I can tell you that I am for once heading in the right direction.

So if your a praying person and you have extra time please pray for me. I just really want to be the best mom for my kids. And I don't know how that is supposed to look or be like... But I do know I don't want it to be like it is now.

And if you are someone who is struggling with depression PLEASE find someone to talk too to help you. We can't hide how we feel, we can't pretend that we are happy on the outside but hurting on the inside. Let people in, be honest with someone, it doesn't have to be everyone but find someone. And know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I can't begin to tell you how many times I feel alone yet I am never alone.

Friday, February 1, 2013

I am angry at you!

I cant even tell you how many times I get angry because I see friends doing things while I sit at home. And I literally get mad at those people but really for no reason at all. I don't even want to be doing what they are doing or going where they are... I guess I would just rather be anywhere then where I am right now.

My sister posted something on her blog the other day... (you should read her blog because I love her and she is amazing and she is my sister and I will always tell you to read her blog... :)) But if you don't want to read it I will some it up for you. She is 24 and single. She struggles with life and wanting to fall in love and have a family and all that good stuff that I am sure any other single person struggles with. But she posted the other day, she is a nanny for 2 twin girls, and while she loves them and loves teaching them one day she can't wait to have her own family....

Right before she posted that, I was having just a day... you know not a bad day for any reason and not a good day. I feel so ungrateful for what I have. From the time I was little the only thing I ever wanted was to be married and have kids... and now that I have the kids I don't want them anymore. Does that sound really bad because writing that out now sounds worse then in my head?? I really do love my kids... No I mean I really do. But I guess the dream that I had in my head when I was little and growing up is completely different than what it actually is. And I am not talking about a fairy tale dream. My dream might not have been completely realistic but it wasn't fairy tales either... if you know what I mean. 

Jealous? I guess. I am jealous that they just aren't in my home. Jealous that other people get to enjoy things. But most of all I just get angry at myself. Angry that I feel like that, angry that I just can't be happy for other people... And the weird thing is its not everyone... it is just a select few people. I know I have issues... I really do. But I am just tired of feeling like this. Why can't I just be happy for other people? I can because I do it for some people. If only I had answers to everything in life... it would be much simpler... :) 

Do you ever feel like you work so hard at something and never get anywhere? And get up the next day and do it all over again with the same results? and then get frustrated because nothing is working? And then getting angry at yourself because you are doing stuff, you are accomplishing things? And then get mad at myself more because I think, "If I just did more...?" ---- That's crazy right... those thoughts are just ridiculous!!! But yes that is what I think more than I want to admit. What can I say I am a big ball of hormones that can't make up my mind... :) 

Friday, January 25, 2013

All Hell breaks loose at 3:30pm

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.... I love those days I do, but hate those days too! I absolutely hate 3:30pm too! 3:30 is when we have to pick Caidan up from school. And it seems that they all GO crazy for something at that time. I am hungry! Can I watch TV? Caidan is looking at me! Kloe is bothering me! Kynlee is following me! I am scared of that show! Why do I have to put my coat up? Why do I have to put my shoes away? (and insert whining with all those questions!)

I am really not sure what it is. For Caidan I really do believe he needs down time and food when he gets home since the last time he ate during the day was lunch at 11:10. Normally after he eats he is MUCH more tolerable. I can't explain why Kloe is this way as she is like that all the time. Kynlee well she just seems to follow the mood of the house.

For us I have decided that planning things that involve taking the kids anywhere after school is just a bad idea. We might visit the library one night a week but other than that we don't do anything. It cuts down on the frustration for me and they seem to know that this is what happens. I typically don't ask them to do any there "chores" (except for putting coats and shoes away and Caidan emptying his lunch bo) until after dinner. It really does help with the crankiness. I also try to have dinner ready at about 5:30. They eat sooner and then have a little more play time before getting ready for bed.

But that time sucks too because it feels like my most productive time... I know... I have all day to be productive. But if you have read my blog before you know that I am NOT a morning person. Nope not at all. And if I get woken up it just makes it worse.  I really have tried to be a morning person... but I am just convinced its not me. I have always done better getting things done at night. When I was growing up I would do school later in the day (I was homeschooled)... I could just think better. Maybe if I went to "real" school growing up I would be better at getting this done earlier in the day... haha who am I kidding?  I wouldn't. I really do believe that this is me... but it does make it frustrating.

Maybe that is why Kynlee doesn't go to bed till later and if Chris is home sleeps in till 10am. and then decides to do this at 10pm. :) She is a little stinker. I had to go for that once a year check up at my doctors and he wanted to see a picture of the kids... he looked and Kynlee and said "she looks like a shit!" Well he wasn't wrong... :)

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Where is Your Home?

Where do you call home? Is it where you live with your family or is it somewhere else where your family lives? Is it with another family or friends? I know where my home is now but I couldn't say that six years ago.

For the first ten years of my life I lived in Illinois. Its all I knew. A smaller town where the biggest thing in the town, at that time, was a Super Walmart. It really was great, or so I thought. Then my parents felt that God was calling them somewhere else. Which turned out to be Cincinnati, Ohio. When my parents first told me we where moving to Cincinnati I had no idea where Cincinnati was let a lone Ohio. Cincinnati was a very different place than the small town we had come from. Living in a small town it took only a couple minutes to get to anything (unless you were going to the mall), but living in Cincinnati everything was spread out. What used to take us two minutes to get to church now turned into twenty minutes.

There was a lot to get used to when we moved...a lot. But some how as a family we did. And in the ten years I lived in Cincinnati I grew. I grew up to be a woman. I learned things that I might not have learned living in a small town or had opportunities that I might not have been given. And now I realize I might have not met my amazing husband and had these beautiful children.

No one thought that anyone in our family would ever move back to that small town. (and honestly defiantly not me!) But everything changed when I met Chris. In the summer of 2006 right before I left to move to Houston, TX I feel in love with him. The summer in Texas was hard on a lot of levels but being away from someone you love is even harder. So at the end of that summer I moved back to Illinois with Chris. But it still wasn't what I called home.

For the first three years of our marriage I had still thought of home as where my parents and sisters and brother live. The feeling of not being home was hard especially after I had Caidan and then became pregnant with Kloe. Every time I left Cincinnati those first 3 years I would cry. I wouldn't even be out of Ohio and I would bawling. I hated hugging my family bye because I wanted to cry. But I didn't want them to see it. It wasn't that I was unhappy with Chris or that I didn't like where we were. Its just that my family was somewhere else. My sister are my best friends... so imagine moving away with out your best friend there. Plus I thought that I would always have kids and have my family close by. Another thing that was so hard was knowing that my family wanted us in Cincinnat just as much as I wanted to be there.

I can't tell you the exact time that it all changed for me, but it did. 4 years later! I remember driving into town saying, "We're home!" but when I had said that word "home" it felt like home. Like this is where I am supposed to be. That feeling of wanting to be in another state just didn't exist. The dogs where waiting for us at home. My own bed was at home. Our dysfunction of a life was home. My LIFE is here in my HOME in a small town in Illinois.

The way my perspective changed once I felt like this was home was so very different than I ever thought. I just really never thought that I could be so happy somewhere away from my family. But I was. And I was learning how to do things on my own.

Do you feel out of place where you are now? Do you think home is anywhere but where you are now? I always felt if I was unhappy someone that God would help. I didn't for once think that being unhappy and uncomfortable was just me ignoring what God was showing me. I am so happy here in this small town in Plano. I am part of a church where I have met some very amazing people. I have met moms in all different areas of life. I no longer leave my parents house crying. I no longer dream of living in Cincinnati. Now I dream of whatever Chris I dream about. Cause instead of just wanting to be somewhere other than where I am we can dream about being spontaneous and living somewhere completely different. (not that we would but you never know).

So... Where is Your Home?

Thursday, January 17, 2013

2013 will be better...right??

I had this great post semi written about how 2013 was going to be a better year than 2012, blah blah blah.... But it just doesn't seem to be going that way and I really don't want to eat my words.

So far 2013 has sucked! :) Okay i might have had one or two good days in the last 17 days but so far it has sucked. I really do hate the hype of the "New Year." I always try to tell myself don't set your self up for something that you don't think is possible but I seem to do that a lot. And lets be honest to have 3 kids 5,4, and 18 months everything is unpredictable. What I think might happen today just might be scorched by something that happens with the kids. Maybe its just that my kids are young (and please say that this is the case) but everything that I do revolves around them. Whether I think it does or not it does.

I think I am just tired and frustrated. But I can't remember that last time I got a really good nights sleep (or I should say interrupted sleep in my own house), I don't know why my 18 month old refuses sleep so much. I asked the doctor about it who sent us to another doctor only for them to tell us it sounds more behavioral. Then she slept great for about a week later and now she is fighting every time we put her to sleep. Its frustrating because when I think we FINALLY have a good routine (if you can call it that) then BOOM shes gonna throw you another curve ball and you are going to have to start all over again. And then by the time you figure it out the BOOM happens all over again... or at least that seems how it has been the last 18 months.

Chris was sick since Christmas and it just took a toll on me... well Kynlee and Kloe were sick right before Christmas and both on antibiotics... then they both came down with the flue, then Caidan came down with the flu. Then Kloe and Kynlee went back to the doctor because they had bad coughs and nasty junk coming from their nose... Kloe still had an ear infection.... Chris and I both started to get sick around this time also... then we went to my parents... then we came home and went back to the doctor for all of us but Caidan. Kloe still had an ear infection... i had a sinus and Chris was bad. And Chris continued to get worse as we all got better. He was bad for about 10 days and is finally on the mend now, but all that sickness just takes a toll on me. Kids whine more when they are sick, you don't really (or shouldn't) take them any where. Plus you still need to do everything you should at home. And then by the time they go to bed you are ready too.

I am just struggling with parenting right now and finding a good balance for us all... which just seems unreachable to me. I know that there will be good days and bad, it just feel like we have bad days a lot.
I know I am just complaining and I really don't want anyone to feel sorry...but I need to vent and blogging for me gets the thoughts in my head out... and sometimes lets me focuses on other things...
So if you made it all the way through this THANK YOU!