I've been on one of those emotional roller coasters lately... Though I seem like my emotions stay down for a while and then I have a good day and then down again.But maybe they loop like this one... :)
I can't really say why I've been down, not because I don't want to but because sometimes I don't even know why. While I was at church on my weekly helping out Ben asked me to do a development worksheet. And I can't tell you how much I needed that at that moment. I had just had a crappy day (well a lot of crappy days) and I felt like I needed to emotionally dump a lot of stuff out. (and honestly too I had felt there had been a lot of signals with talking about this).
I think as individuals we think a lot and don't always talk about our thoughts because we think they are horrible or people might get the wrong impressions. I have been questioning myself A LOT lately on "why I am a stay at home mom"? Is it worth all this "pain" and stress and feelings of guilt and failure? The only thing (well not the only thing but the thing I wanted most) I ever wanted to be growing up was a stay at home mom. I thought it was the best job ever! And I am not saying its not... But I have never met one person that doesn't have days that suck at their job.And I have a lot of days that suck...lately.
Most days I am worn out physically, and mentally. I love taking the kids to the park or going to the zoo or on walks but lately I find myself being too exhausted even in the morning to do anything. I mean I have days where I surprise myself and we get out the door before noon but most days not...and some days we don't even leave.
Honestly I know I am depressed and I've been here for a while... It's gotten worse since Kynlee was born. I try my hardest to stay strong but I'm just so tired of it. I don't want to be strong. I used to tell Chris and myself that I couldn't wait till I had "me" back but what I have realized lately that the "me" I want back is not me anymore. That "me" was 5 years ago before 3 kids. I am trying to find the new me and I just don't know what that is yet. I know the new me is a wife and a mother but I need to feel that in me (if that makes any sense...). I still feel like I am 20 in a way. Yet I am 26 and have no idea where the last 6 years have gone. I hope that sometime in the near future I can figure this new me out enough to find a new balance in life. But right now I guess I just have to take it one day at a time.