My sister posted something on her blog the other day... (you should read her blog because I love her and she is amazing and she is my sister and I will always tell you to read her blog... :)) But if you don't want to read it I will some it up for you. She is 24 and single. She struggles with life and wanting to fall in love and have a family and all that good stuff that I am sure any other single person struggles with. But she posted the other day, she is a nanny for 2 twin girls, and while she loves them and loves teaching them one day she can't wait to have her own family....
Right before she posted that, I was having just a day... you know not a bad day for any reason and not a good day. I feel so ungrateful for what I have. From the time I was little the only thing I ever wanted was to be married and have kids... and now that I have the kids I don't want them anymore. Does that sound really bad because writing that out now sounds worse then in my head?? I really do love my kids... No I mean I really do. But I guess the dream that I had in my head when I was little and growing up is completely different than what it actually is. And I am not talking about a fairy tale dream. My dream might not have been completely realistic but it wasn't fairy tales either... if you know what I mean.
Jealous? I guess. I am jealous that they just aren't in my home. Jealous that other people get to enjoy things. But most of all I just get angry at myself. Angry that I feel like that, angry that I just can't be happy for other people... And the weird thing is its not everyone... it is just a select few people. I know I have issues... I really do. But I am just tired of feeling like this. Why can't I just be happy for other people? I can because I do it for some people. If only I had answers to everything in life... it would be much simpler... :)
Do you ever feel like you work so hard at something and never get anywhere? And get up the next day and do it all over again with the same results? and then get frustrated because nothing is working? And then getting angry at yourself because you are doing stuff, you are accomplishing things? And then get mad at myself more because I think, "If I just did more...?" ---- That's crazy right... those thoughts are just ridiculous!!! But yes that is what I think more than I want to admit. What can I say I am a big ball of hormones that can't make up my mind... :)