Thursday, February 7, 2013


Monday I told my husband something that I really didn't want to tell him. I have been thinking about it for weeks. And it just kept building more and more. I kept asking God why I felt like this, why I have these thoughts, telling Him this isn't normal... I told my husband, I didn't want to be a mom anymore. (insert gasps) :)

It still hurt to say those words or write them out. Those words are exactly how I feel yet I get angry at myself for even allowing those thoughts to have entered my mind. To let those thoughts consume my head. And then other thoughts come about being a horrible parent for thinking that.

The other day I had seriously considered leaving. I didn't know where I was going to go but I knew anywhere but my house would have been better (don't worry my husband was home) but the only thing stopping me from leaving was I didn't want to leave my husband. My husband is my rock! He is it what holds our family together... You know you hear about parents, moms in general, about leaving their kids and never looking back. And I get that know... I really do. I get why parents can leave their kids and just never see them again. And that's sad... (That I get it).

I love my kids more than ANYTHING in this world. Pease don't think by me saying those words that I don't. I would do everything all over again given the opportunity. But I would just get help sooner.

You know those commercials where they list symptoms and you have a majority of them but then think "well I might have that because of this, it's not really what they are talking about"... Yes? No? I have! I hear those commercials on depression all the time. I can honestly say right now that i have been depressed for the last 3 years (at least). It really sucks and messes with my life. It's messed with my time with my kids, my husband, my happiness....

For all you who are going to say I need to go talk to someone, I am. I have an appointment next week.

But that is also why I am on a little "vacation". Well that's what we told the kids because if we had told the kids I was going down to Cincinnati they would've been mad that they don't get to go to see Seth, Pappy, and Gigi. I need this time away from my kids. I need this time to relax and not have to worry about them. I need to think! Which if you are a parent maybe you understand when I say it is sometimes impossible to think beyond thinking about house work and kids.

I honestly don't know how long it's going to take to feel better... I am not even sure I know what "better" looks like. But I know that I am taking some good steps with talking about it. There where a lot of things that in the past had stopped me and I feel like they were just an accuse after accuse. Why? I can't really tell you. But I can tell you that I am for once heading in the right direction.

So if your a praying person and you have extra time please pray for me. I just really want to be the best mom for my kids. And I don't know how that is supposed to look or be like... But I do know I don't want it to be like it is now.

And if you are someone who is struggling with depression PLEASE find someone to talk too to help you. We can't hide how we feel, we can't pretend that we are happy on the outside but hurting on the inside. Let people in, be honest with someone, it doesn't have to be everyone but find someone. And know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I can't begin to tell you how many times I feel alone yet I am never alone.


  1. Kalla, I tried to post earlier, but my comment didn't post. (I blame an interruption from a child.. or two)

    I;ve been there, heck I am there now to a degree. I've been writing about my journey on my blog I just want you to know you are not alone. I'm praying for your sweetie and hoping that you find the peace you are looking for. And please don't hesitate to take medicine if you think it would help. I have off and on since Kaylee was born. I'm not currently taking anything But consider strongly going back to the doctor. I honestlty think that there is a STRONG link between PostPartum Depression and C-sections. I also just read that it takes for every child you have, it can take up to 1 additional year for hormones to regulate themselves. SO 3 children means 3 years of hormone recovery. Get help, but don't give up hope. I am praying for you daily! Love and blessings for your journey.

  2. Hi Kalla, I feel your pain in a way, I suffer from depression. My depression has let to anxiety attacks that has put me in the hospital.
    I am on Celexa now and that is helping. please don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about your troubles, they can help. I am doing quite a bit better now that I can think clearly and am finding my triggers and found it had to do alot with a 20 year bad marriage, for me it was having to deal with the fact that I married a woman who only married me to get out of her moms house and away from here family and threatened to leave me every five years. after our divorce she was finally diagnosed as being bi-polar. she is on the correct med now and doing much better. you have a lot going for you as you have a solid marriage, your guy is your rock which is a total blessing for you. hopefully you can learn to overlook the Facebook feeds from people who claim to be having such a good time and realize that doing anything with your family is much better than being alone. take care and don't be afraid to get help.

  3. proud of you that you are going to seek help. you will be so glad you did. I don't always remember all that i read when responding, so hope the pep talk helped, even if you already were planning on getting some. You are very appreciated on the production team, your hard work and dedication are inspiring. it will come to pass, with time, help, and lots of love from friends and family.