Saturday, March 9, 2013

Never knew it would be this hard....

I am not a patient person... ask anyone that knows me and they would probably agree. It is not a good thing to be inpatient. It affects a lot in my life.... but we are so not taking about patience here... What I am talking about it weight loss!! Let me say it is HORRIBLE! I want results NOW not in 1 week or 2 or 3 or 4... like tomorrow... I mean I worked my butt of to see WHAT?? 

Growing up I wasn't very big at all... I was bigger than all my friends. Bigger boobs, bigger thighs, bigger waist, bigger butt... but I wasn't BIG! When I was pregnant with Caidan I gained 70lbs! OMG... seriously it was the worst thing ever... I mean you should feel great after having a baby not self conscious about what you weigh. I mean I did lose about 50lbs... but those other 20lbs never moved. Then I turned around six months later and got myself pregnant with Kloe... I gained about 50lbs with her pregnancy. Did I lose it after I had her... yeah all but 10lbs. Then I never really did anything to try to lose the weight from Kloe and Caidan... I mean I tried a couple times and then just failed because I wasn't seeing an results and just FRUSTRATED. Then I get pregnant with Kynlee... i weighed about 155 lbs when I got pregnant with her. I lost 10 during the pregnancy and then gained 15 lbs. After I had Kynlee I seriously felt the best. I was 150 lbs. I was SOOOO excited about being smaller after I had her than before I was pregnant. Not only was I excited but I felt GREAT... about myself. I felt pretty. I felt beautiful. I felt worth something. 

Then my depression hit hard... and I didn't care any more... I hate whatever and whenever. I refused to step on a scale for a awhile because I knew those numbers were not going to be what I wanted to see. When I finally got on the scale (because I had to go to the doctors) I weighed about 174! WTH!!! I really wonder (and still do) how I gained almost 25lbs. I mean I know how but I still can't remember those months or how I felt, or what I ate. 

Last April I started to try to lose weight... I lost about 5lbs. I was working out and feeling great. Then we went on vacation and I gave up... and summer came and I just didn't care anymore. I wouldn't eat enough and when I did eat it was junk. or coffee... I like my Diet Coke way too much... I never drank water... Last year it wasn't about being healthy it was about losing weight... I wanted to see that lower number. I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. 

Now its about eating healthier, drinking more water, and just feeling better about me.I could easily tell you the number on the scale doesn't bother me... but I would be lying! I want the number on the scale to go down. I want my jeans to not fit so I have to go buy smaller pairs. I want to feel pretty again. I want to feel worth it again. But it is sooooo hard. In the past 3 weeks I have changed my eating, my drinking and exercising more. And I am seeing little results and its frustrating. I feel like I have done soo much so don't I deserve some BIG results?? I know it really doesn't happen like that. I know slow is better. But I want it know! 

The pic on the left was last summer and the right is March 3rd. 

My sister is truly my inspiration. It has taken her 3 years. seriously you should read her story because she is an inspiration for Me and she would be for you too. But I have watched her journey for these 3 years... you would think that I would know that results just don't happen over night. So she suggested that I take pictures of my progress so I could see the difference. When she told me this a week ago I had totally forgotten that I had taken a picture last year of myself. Then the other day took a picture of myself again... and I was SHOCKED. I really didn't think that my body had changed AT ALL! I know now that i need to take these pictures to keep me motivated and on the right track... because most days I want to give up because I don't think what I am doing is doing anything. 

Its hard... Most days I don't want to eat healthy or drink the million gallons of water that I should. But I am doing it all because I want this. No body else could give a care but I do. So I am going to keep on trudging a long till i get to my goal. 

My goal for this month: I want to hit 160. 
Starting weight this month:167 

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