Here is my BIG problem... I am trying to be that perfect Mom and Wife that just doesn't exist. Even though I am far far far from what I think that perfect person would look like... I am still trying everyday to be that "perfect" person. Which is causing a lot of problems. I have had a bad few weeks... and really for no reason. At therapy she was asking me what were the triggers, what were my feelings, what did i do? And I didn't really have any triggers and the only feelings I had were anger. When I feel really depressed I just get angry... and I am just angry at every thing that happens... angry that my kids won't be quiet, or that they won't listen, I get angry at my husband that he is sleeping (he is sleeping because he didn't sleep the night at work), angry that I have to clean the house, angry that its time to pick up the kids, angry that everything in my house is not the way I want it... the list could go on and on. What did I do to help... nothing because honestly I have no idea how to control this. But then on top of all that brings on the feelings of failure, guilt, insecurity... blah blah blah.
ALL that just because I am trying to be "perfect"!
(this is so true...
depression and every thing that comes with it are all lies we tell our selves...
this made me laugh and cry at the same time!)
It sounds so stupid when i talk about it. It sounds so easy to just change things, but it is NOT! I am so glad that I go to therapy. I am so glad that my eyes are being open to these things. I am so glad that God gives me grace. I am so glad that my husband and kids show me grace.
But now I need to learn to handle my feelings. To know when to stop myself from thinking negatively. I am not going to say I need to see the brighter side because right now I just need to see the light. It really is difficult... its hard. and I am trying so hard... but some days its even hard.
I just have to keep telling myself... that one day this will be easier.