Purex with Crystals Review

If you anything like my family you go through a million loads of laundry a week... or a day... :) Okay maybe not really that many, but it might feel like that to the person washing and folding them.

I am sure everyone has a favorite laundry detergent that they use on a regular basis because well thats what you have always used or that's what your mom used. I really like Purex. And what I like even more is Purex with Crystals. Its not just laundry detergent but it is also fabric softener too.  So instead of putting two things in the washer when washing clothes you just have to put one. And the smell is AMAZING! And its last. I did a load with this laundry detergent about two weeks ago and this morning I went to put on a shirt that has been my closet and it still smelled GREAT! For me sometimes the laundry detergent is more about making my clothes smell CLEAN more then cleaning them. But I will say that this detergent CLEANS great also!

Here is my lovely bottle when I got it in the mail! 

Now here is where you get to enjoy this too! There are a few things you can do... 

1) Follow this Link if you want to win $1000 and a year supply of Purex! (very simple form to fill out... and you never know, you could always win!) Plus 500 second place winners will recieve a coupon for a Free bottle of Purex detergent.  

2) I have 3 coupons to give away for a Free bottle of Purex with Crystal laundry detergent. If you would like to be one of those 3 you need to Share this post on Facebook or Twitter. Then leave me a comment telling me you did. 

Do those things and you could have a chance to win a FREE bottle! 

The Purex brand provided me with a sample of Purex detergent plus Fabric Softner with Crystal Fragance in exchange for a product review. However all the opinions expressed are my own.

Everyone should go to therapy

You know I really thought going to therapy would help with the problem I was having... I did not expect it to create more issues. Well it isn't creating more, just realizing that the one problem is contributed from a lot more problems.

Here is my BIG problem... I am trying to be that perfect Mom and Wife that just doesn't exist. Even though I am far far far from what I think that perfect person would look like... I am still trying everyday to be that "perfect" person. Which is causing a lot of problems. I have had a bad few weeks... and really for no reason. At therapy she was asking me what were the triggers, what were my feelings, what did i do? And I didn't really have any triggers and the only feelings I had were anger. When I feel really depressed I just get angry... and I am just angry at every thing that happens... angry that my kids won't be quiet, or that they won't listen, I get angry at my husband that he is sleeping (he is sleeping because he didn't sleep the night at work), angry that I have to clean the house, angry that its time to pick up the kids, angry that everything in my house is not the way I want it... the list could go on and on. What did I do to help... nothing because honestly I have no idea how to control this. But then on top of all that brings on the feelings of failure, guilt, insecurity... blah blah blah.

ALL that just because I am trying to be "perfect"!

(this is so true... 

depression and every thing that comes with it are all lies we tell our selves...

this made me laugh and cry at the same time!)

It sounds so stupid when i talk about it. It sounds so easy to just change things, but it is NOT! I am so glad that I go to therapy. I am so glad that my eyes are being open to these things. I am so glad that God gives me grace. I am so glad that my husband and kids show me grace.

But now I need to learn to handle my feelings. To know when to stop myself from thinking negatively. I am not going to say I need to see the brighter side because right now I just need to see the light. It really is difficult... its hard. and I am trying so hard... but some days its even hard.

I just have to keep telling myself... that one day this will be easier.

Never knew it would be this hard....

I am not a patient person... ask anyone that knows me and they would probably agree. It is not a good thing to be inpatient. It affects a lot in my life.... but we are so not taking about patience here... What I am talking about it weight loss!! Let me say it is HORRIBLE! I want results NOW not in 1 week or 2 or 3 or 4... like tomorrow... I mean I worked my butt of to see WHAT?? 

Growing up I wasn't very big at all... I was bigger than all my friends. Bigger boobs, bigger thighs, bigger waist, bigger butt... but I wasn't BIG! When I was pregnant with Caidan I gained 70lbs! OMG... seriously it was the worst thing ever... I mean you should feel great after having a baby not self conscious about what you weigh. I mean I did lose about 50lbs... but those other 20lbs never moved. Then I turned around six months later and got myself pregnant with Kloe... I gained about 50lbs with her pregnancy. Did I lose it after I had her... yeah all but 10lbs. Then I never really did anything to try to lose the weight from Kloe and Caidan... I mean I tried a couple times and then just failed because I wasn't seeing an results and just FRUSTRATED. Then I get pregnant with Kynlee... i weighed about 155 lbs when I got pregnant with her. I lost 10 during the pregnancy and then gained 15 lbs. After I had Kynlee I seriously felt the best. I was 150 lbs. I was SOOOO excited about being smaller after I had her than before I was pregnant. Not only was I excited but I felt GREAT... about myself. I felt pretty. I felt beautiful. I felt worth something. 

Then my depression hit hard... and I didn't care any more... I hate whatever and whenever. I refused to step on a scale for a awhile because I knew those numbers were not going to be what I wanted to see. When I finally got on the scale (because I had to go to the doctors) I weighed about 174! WTH!!! I really wonder (and still do) how I gained almost 25lbs. I mean I know how but I still can't remember those months or how I felt, or what I ate. 

Last April I started to try to lose weight... I lost about 5lbs. I was working out and feeling great. Then we went on vacation and I gave up... and summer came and I just didn't care anymore. I wouldn't eat enough and when I did eat it was junk. or coffee... I like my Diet Coke way too much... I never drank water... Last year it wasn't about being healthy it was about losing weight... I wanted to see that lower number. I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. 

Now its about eating healthier, drinking more water, and just feeling better about me.I could easily tell you the number on the scale doesn't bother me... but I would be lying! I want the number on the scale to go down. I want my jeans to not fit so I have to go buy smaller pairs. I want to feel pretty again. I want to feel worth it again. But it is sooooo hard. In the past 3 weeks I have changed my eating, my drinking and exercising more. And I am seeing little results and its frustrating. I feel like I have done soo much so don't I deserve some BIG results?? I know it really doesn't happen like that. I know slow is better. But I want it know! 

The pic on the left was last summer and the right is March 3rd. 

My sister is truly my inspiration. It has taken her 3 years. seriously you should read her story because she is an inspiration for Me and she would be for you too. But I have watched her journey for these 3 years... you would think that I would know that results just don't happen over night. So she suggested that I take pictures of my progress so I could see the difference. When she told me this a week ago I had totally forgotten that I had taken a picture last year of myself. Then the other day took a picture of myself again... and I was SHOCKED. I really didn't think that my body had changed AT ALL! I know now that i need to take these pictures to keep me motivated and on the right track... because most days I want to give up because I don't think what I am doing is doing anything. 

Its hard... Most days I don't want to eat healthy or drink the million gallons of water that I should. But I am doing it all because I want this. No body else could give a care but I do. So I am going to keep on trudging a long till i get to my goal. 

My goal for this month: I want to hit 160. 

Starting weight this month:167 

Mom??

Monday I told my husband something that I really didn't want to tell him. I have been thinking about it for weeks. And it just kept building more and more. I kept asking God why I felt like this, why I have these thoughts, telling Him this isn't normal... I told my husband, I didn't want to be a mom anymore. (insert gasps) :)

It still hurt to say those words or write them out. Those words are exactly how I feel yet I get angry at myself for even allowing those thoughts to have entered my mind. To let those thoughts consume my head. And then other thoughts come about being a horrible parent for thinking that.

The other day I had seriously considered leaving. I didn't know where I was going to go but I knew anywhere but my house would have been better (don't worry my husband was home) but the only thing stopping me from leaving was I didn't want to leave my husband. My husband is my rock! He is it what holds our family together... You know you hear about parents, moms in general, about leaving their kids and never looking back. And I get that know... I really do. I get why parents can leave their kids and just never see them again. And that's sad... (That I get it).

I love my kids more than ANYTHING in this world. Pease don't think by me saying those words that I don't. I would do everything all over again given the opportunity. But I would just get help sooner.

You know those commercials where they list symptoms and you have a majority of them but then think "well I might have that because of this, it's not really what they are talking about"... Yes? No? I have! I hear those commercials on depression all the time. I can honestly say right now that i have been depressed for the last 3 years (at least). It really sucks and messes with my life. It's messed with my time with my kids, my husband, my happiness....

For all you who are going to say I need to go talk to someone, I am. I have an appointment next week.

But that is also why I am on a little "vacation". Well that's what we told the kids because if we had told the kids I was going down to Cincinnati they would've been mad that they don't get to go to see Seth, Pappy, and Gigi. I need this time away from my kids. I need this time to relax and not have to worry about them. I need to think! Which if you are a parent maybe you understand when I say it is sometimes impossible to think beyond thinking about house work and kids.

I honestly don't know how long it's going to take to feel better... I am not even sure I know what "better" looks like. But I know that I am taking some good steps with talking about it. There where a lot of things that in the past had stopped me and I feel like they were just an accuse after accuse. Why? I can't really tell you. But I can tell you that I am for once heading in the right direction.

So if your a praying person and you have extra time please pray for me. I just really want to be the best mom for my kids. And I don't know how that is supposed to look or be like... But I do know I don't want it to be like it is now.

And if you are someone who is struggling with depression PLEASE find someone to talk too to help you. We can't hide how we feel, we can't pretend that we are happy on the outside but hurting on the inside. Let people in, be honest with someone, it doesn't have to be everyone but find someone. And know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I can't begin to tell you how many times I feel alone yet I am never alone.

I am angry at you!

I cant even tell you how many times I get angry because I see friends doing things while I sit at home. And I literally get mad at those people but really for no reason at all. I don't even want to be doing what they are doing or going where they are... I guess I would just rather be anywhere then where I am right now.

My sister posted something on her blog the other day... (you should read her blog because I love her and she is amazing and she is my sister and I will always tell you to read her blog... :)) But if you don't want to read it I will some it up for you. She is 24 and single. She struggles with life and wanting to fall in love and have a family and all that good stuff that I am sure any other single person struggles with. But she posted the other day, she is a nanny for 2 twin girls, and while she loves them and loves teaching them one day she can't wait to have her own family....

Right before she posted that, I was having just a day... you know not a bad day for any reason and not a good day. I feel so ungrateful for what I have. From the time I was little the only thing I ever wanted was to be married and have kids... and now that I have the kids I don't want them anymore. Does that sound really bad because writing that out now sounds worse then in my head?? I really do love my kids... No I mean I really do. But I guess the dream that I had in my head when I was little and growing up is completely different than what it actually is. And I am not talking about a fairy tale dream. My dream might not have been completely realistic but it wasn't fairy tales either... if you know what I mean. 

Jealous? I guess. I am jealous that they just aren't in my home. Jealous that other people get to enjoy things. But most of all I just get angry at myself. Angry that I feel like that, angry that I just can't be happy for other people... And the weird thing is its not everyone... it is just a select few people. I know I have issues... I really do. But I am just tired of feeling like this. Why can't I just be happy for other people? I can because I do it for some people. If only I had answers to everything in life... it would be much simpler... :) 

Do you ever feel like you work so hard at something and never get anywhere? And get up the next day and do it all over again with the same results? and then get frustrated because nothing is working? And then getting angry at yourself because you are doing stuff, you are accomplishing things? And then get mad at myself more because I think, "If I just did more...?" ---- That's crazy right... those thoughts are just ridiculous!!! But yes that is what I think more than I want to admit. What can I say I am a big ball of hormones that can't make up my mind... :)